Little help here please. You see, I have a problem with attachment. It’s a pattern of mine that has followed me in every relationship I’ve had. I become too attached to my partner and can’t let go. It becomes obsessive to the point where she is the center of my life, where I can only think of her, and where it affects my life in other areas, where I can’t focus, I can’t motivate myself. In other words, I can’t let go and just let it be.
I think the healthiest form of relationship is when each partner can distance themselves from each other yet remain secure in the relationship, knowing and trusting that the love is there. They don’t need constant reassurance from each other that everything is OK. A big part of my marriage ending was due to my inability to let go. My feelings of jealousy, insecurity, inadequacy, and fear caused me to cling, which in turn drove her away. Rather than having my own life to live, I made her my life.
Photo: Erik Mallinson
This is a pattern that I do not want to repeat in future relationships, but am fearful of it rearing its ugly head. This is why I am choosing to address it now. The book, Emotional Alchemy: How the Mind Can Heal the Heart
One that really stands out for myself is the Abandonment schema. The signs she lists as part of this schema are like a playbook of my emotions. At the core of this is the “ongoing fear that people will leave us all alone.” Some of the signs:
- reacting to someone not calling back right away or being late to meet
- prospect of being alone stirs up a deep sadness and feeling of isolation
- response is to cling harder
- leads to anxious attachment where constant reassurance that the relationship is steady and secure
- being overly upset at even a short separation
The kicker: the coping strategy of constantly needing reassurance will eventually drive your partner away (a self-fulfilling prophesy).
Photo: .indigo.
There are other schemas she lists that I also exhibit patterns from (e.g. Deprivation, which is a fear that my needs won’t be met), but Abandonment seems to be the strongest one, the one that causes me all sorts of trouble in my relationships. This is where the ability to let go comes in. There is nothing more I want than to have my own life, her her own life, and then be able to share and support each other, but not be reliant on each other. To be able to have the conviction and will-power to pursue my own wants without always putting her first.
This is much easier said than done, though. Rationally I know what I want. I know the kind of person I want to be, and the kind of relationship I want. But in the midst of it all, when the emotions come into play and rationality takes a back seat, it’s a whole different story. I am hoping that practice — learning to sit through suffering without giving into unhealthy impulses — and meditation and yoga will be good tools to begin the process of change. Although maybe change isn’t the right word. Can we really change? Perhaps what it is, is just the ability to notice the emotions when they appear, to accept them, and to properly deal with them without succumbing to the pattern/schema.
What about you? Can you let go? If so, how do you do it?
[Feature image: Zanthia]
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About the author
Sammy is in his mid-30s and recently divorced. He used to think you learned answers as you grew older, but has come to realize you just ask more questions.
