How Do You Help Someone Who Doesn’t Want Help?

by Sammy R. on March 10, 2011

in Platonic

Jagermeister

I know the answer to this. You can’t. But it doesn’t mean I think about it any less.

Steve, a friend of mine for many many years, has what I would consider a drinking problem. We grew up drinking together and he used to be a lot of fun. Then he started getting aggressive. He started being an asshole. He got kicked out of bars regularly and embarrassed me (and other friends) by the way he treated complete strangers, or even friends of mine that he didn’t know. When I moved away for a few years I didn’t have much contact with him, although the strong bond we’ve built over the years didn’t weaken at all. As circumstances would have it, I am now living with him in a different city than where we grew up.

His social circle has shrunk dramatically, almost to nil. He still likes the drink. So do I. So we go out together. Since moving here I’ve made plenty of friends. I include him in social situations in an attempt to get him more social and less…hermit-y. At his heart, he is a great guy. He has strong convictions about what is right, how to treat friends. He is the kind of person who would take care of you. The kind of person who, if he genuinely likes you, would “go to the wall for you” (his words).

bouncers

Photo: Oldmaison

He doesn’t drink all the time, but when he does drink, he passes a tipping point where he completely loses himself and the demons he keeps hidden away while sober rise up. It’s almost a given now that when we go to a bar he will get kicked out. We live in a small town, with half a dozen drinking establishments. I am sure he is getting known as “that guy.” I took him to a New Year’s house party where, at some point in the night, people were coming up to me and telling me that Steve was making everyone uncomfortable and that he had to leave. I had to kick him out. Send him home.

 

This is a terrible position to be in. So I confronted him about it yesterday. I know he knows. Many times he’s woken after a night of drinking and apologized to me for things he said or did the previous night. One time I received a text message while in the living room. It said “Sorry.” He was in his bedroom. So he knows. He just doesn’t do anything about it, so it perpetuates.

After confronting him, he basically just said he’s aware, but he wants to be left alone (in a nutshell). He expressed appreciation for my concern, but just wants the friendship without the psychoanalysis. This is where I stop being able to relate. When I recognize and admit to something I do that I don’t like, I make efforts to change it. On top of that, this is also a physical issue. Something that could seriously jeopardize his health, not just his mental state.

So what are my obligations as one of his best friends? I’ve already decided that it will be the end of going out drinking with him. Do I have choices? Or do I just respect his decision and back away? Should I bring it up with family? Is that crossing a line?

What would you do?

[Feature photo: MicGloWal]

Tagged as: alcohol, drinking, friendship

About the author

Sammy is in his mid-30s and recently divorced. He used to think you learned answers as you grew older, but has come to realize you just ask more questions.

  • http://holisticwithhumor.com Christine Garvin

    He said he “just wants the friendship without the psychoanalysis.” Thing is, you are BEING a friend by confronting him and not accepting his behavior.

    I know situations like these are hard ones, especially if you live with the person. But you’re right, you can’t help him if he doesn’t want help. I think the best you can do is make it clear that are you there for him when he’s ready to face the situation, but you can’t deal with him the way he is now.

    Do you have to continue living with him?

    • Sammy R.

      Well, things are in the works and we won’t be living with each other too much longer, another few months. Not because of this specifically, but circumstances will be changing.

  • http://yesthereissuchathingasastupidquestion.com Kate

    You have to say that you will no longer live with him, too, probably. You can’t make him do anything he’s not prepared to do, but you probably should take him at his word and more – leave him as alone as he can be.

    I had a similar problem as your friend does once. The friends who turned out to be my friends refused to drink with me anymore. The ones that treated me like I was a trained monkey there for their amusement when my outrageous behavior thrilled them and avoided me when I was sober didn’t have the staying power, and I’m no longer friends with them.

    Since I’ve become sober, I tell people in my life in these situations that when they become sober I will be there for them and that I want them to know they can rely on me, but until that time, I’m not willing to deal with it anymore.

    I think you should offer to go to meetings, accompany him in any healthy pursuits, but you should take care of yourself, break the knot that is making you mutually dependent by living together, and refuse to drink with him any longer.

    Good luck to you and him.

    • Sammy R.

      It’s hard to imagine that he will give up the booze, which I think is the only answer, as it is with anyone who has a problem controlling their drinking. I’ve been gently encouraging him to have more healthy pursuits, and I can see that he’s somewhat interested, but the fact is he has a lot of walls to tear down before making any moves.

      I’ll continue to be one of his best friends, of course, and offer support in any way I can. I just hope one day he takes me up on the offer.

      Thanks for the comment Kate, and thanks for sharing your story. Very much appreciated.

  • http://www.candicedoestheworld.com Candice

    Yeah, I’m with Kate…you offered your help, but there’s only so much you can do. Step away, but be there when he needs you…I think that’s best.

    • Sammy R.

      Thank you Candice. I’m thinking that really is all I can do. I think what bothers me a lot too, is that it’s been going on for so long (many, many years)…and lots of people know and think the same thing, but I seem to be the only one who’s actually concerned. Enough to approach him about it anyway. Of course, I am seeing this firsthand and up close and personal, whereas others are a bit removed from it. But they do know it on some level and have chosen not to do anything. I don’t think I am overreacting either.

  • Jill

    I did confront someone who didn’t want help and now have not spoken to my sister in over 2 years. Actually, my whole family confronted her at the same time and long story short it didn’t go over so well. I have done a lot of soul searching since then and while I don’t regret what happened I have realized that all I can do is be an example of love. When you truly and unconditionally love yourself and those around you people notice and they want to follow. There is something lovable in everyone. Try and find what that is for your friend and focus on that when you are around him. Maybe he will start to see that he is valuable and want to do something good for himself. And maybe not…

  • Sammy R.

    Thank you for sharing Jill. This is great advice: “There is something lovable in everyone. Try and find what that is for your friend and focus on that when you are around him. Maybe he will start to see that he is valuable and want to do something good for himself.”

  • http://feistywoman.net FeistyWoman

    I fully understand your standpoint as I too have a very good friend suffering from alcoholism. He’s done all the things you describe to a “T”. It breaks my heart to see what this is doing to him and I have had no choice but to distance myself while hoping for the best.

    It saddens me very deeply because he’s such a great person- a heart of gold and I consider him to be a lifelong friend. I miss him- the real him. The one I used to know before his problem had arrived at the level it is today.

    You can’t help anyone unless they want to help themselves. Period. Whether it’s alcoholism or gambling addiction or what have you. It’s hard to watch people self-destruct and ruin their own lives, but we can continue to offer our helping hand and loyalty if and when they decide to change. That’s all we can do.

    • Sammy R.

      Thanks for leaving this. And so sorry to hear about your situation. I don’t know that this is at that level where it might ruin his life or that he’s self-destructive…he has had one very serious incident many years ago, and I thought it might have “woken him up.” I think it did to a point…I mean, he’s at least aware, he just chooses not to do anything about it, which I find sad.

  • http://www.driftingfocus.com Kelsey

    I tried to help Marc stop drinking for 2.5 years of our current 3.5 year relationship, and in my experience…nothing works. They have to come to that conclusion on their own. Marc went to therapy, to AA, I tried being supportive, I tried being threatening. Nothing worked. The only thing that did work was when he got drunk one night and ran his company car into a bus stop. He managed to avoid a DUI because the car wasn’t that damaged and nobody saw it, but his entire life sort of flashed before his eyes. He’s a federal investigator, and getting a DUI would ruin his entire career, which would also ruin his life. Having that happen, and seeing that the only person involved was his own self, made him realize that he was the problem, not anyone or anything else. He stopped drinking after that night, and has been sober for almost 6 months.

    • http://vagabonderz.com Carlo Alcos

      Thanks for sharing your story Kelsey. Glad to hear that he was able to have this “epiphany” without any serious damage/harm being done.

  • http://yahoo shirley mantas

    my grandson is having a brakdown hes not fuctioning and he is depressed because of a break up with his girlfried dont know what to do for him please help

    • http://vagabonderz.com Carlo Alcos

      Shirley, I’m really sorry to hear about your situation and your desperate outreach to find him some help. I would be very wary to write any advice since 1) I don’t know what the situation really is and 2) we are not counselors so not really qualified to offer advice. We speak our truths here and open them up to discussion and hope that people can come to conclusions based on what we talk about. One thing I’ve learned in my life is that each person is responsible for their own well-being and they cannot be forced/convinced into any kind of change. It’s something that has to happen on their own terms and in their own time.

      If you fear that there is real danger of physical/mental harm then I hope you have the local professional resources at your disposal to contact. All I can say is just let him know he has your/your family’s support, that you are there for him and will love him no matter what. Have faith that he will find himself through the painful process.

      • Jenn

        I am currently going through something similar. My best friend of 20 years was an acoholic, never has he gotten help to stop drinking, instead he has gotten sick. His pancreas?? is not functioning normal, he almost died. He just went thru his 2nd divorice, and has his 3 yr. old son. He’s living with me and my family. I am watching him get worse. At the same time I am dealing with a few situations of my own. I have to put my family first. I spoke to him, he suggetted leaving for a few days. This morning he went to his parents. I chose to cross the line, for his sake and his childs. I messaged his dad everything, and got a hold of one of his sisters. He will be very mad, but he needs help, not only is he sick, but now he is depressed. I have been trying this and that, but I busted him not eating. He is not taking care of himself, he is self destructing, I can’t let my 4 kids go thru this, or his own child who is almost 4. I decided it was better to cross the line, in hopes that his family can step in, I will be expressing to him that I am not turning my back on him, but I can’t continue to go thru this with him, until he gets help. He needs to check himself in somewhere, that way they can watch/control his medication, and help him get healthier, and treat his depression. I put my faith in God, and I pray things pan out.

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