I didn’t see a Woody Allen movie until I was 34. This was last year. I was in New York with my ex-wife, one of our last days together there. Annie Hall was playing for free in the Brooklyn Bridge Park on a massive inflatable television; behind the big TV, across the river, was the skyline of Manhattan’s Lower East End.
I’m not sure why I never gave him a chance before. It doesn’t matter though, because I don’t think I would have appreciated him nearly as much as I did last year (and now). I was going through the trauma of a failing marriage. I related to the movie on so many levels. I still haven’t seen much more of his work, just Manhattan and Whatever Works (starring Larry David).
But to the point. We love Woody Allen because we see the neurotic in us, in him. He just unapologetically expresses it externally, where most of us like to pretend it’s not there.
These are my favourite Woody Allen quotes on love, sex, and relationships.
1. Don’t knock masturbation. It’s sex with someone I love.
2. My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty.
3. To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering, one must not love. But then, one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer; not to love is to suffer; to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy, then, is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be happy, one must love or love to suffer or suffer from too much happiness.
4. A relationship, I think, is like a shark. You know? It has to constantly move forward or it dies. And I think what we got on our hands is a dead shark.
5. My analyst warned me, but you were so beautiful I got another analyst.
6. I don’t know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.
7. Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.
8. It’s a match made in heaven…by a retarded angel.
9. Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.
10. Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
11. You will notice that what we are aiming at when we fall in love is a very strange paradox. The paradox consists of the fact that, when we fall in love, we are seeking to re-find all or some of the people to whom we were attached as children. On the other hand, we ask our beloved to correct all of the wrongs that these early parents or siblings inflicted upon us. So that love contains in it the contradiction: The attempt to return to the past and the attempt to undo the past.
12. I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said ‘No.’
13. Sex without love is an empty experience, but as far as empty experiences go, it’s one of the best.
14. In my house I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.
15. Regarding love… what can you say? It’s not the quantity of your sexual relations that counts. It’s the quality. On the other hand if the quantity drops below once every eight months, I would definitely look into it.
What are you favourite quotes (from anyone) about sex, love, and relationships?
[Feature illustration: luccawithcheese]