I don’t think I’m different from anyone else in that I have body issues. My insecurities run deep. My personality has developed defense mechanisms. In the past those insecurities prevented me from forming solid relationships with both men and women. But, for the most part, those days are over.
I come from a fast food family. McDonalds and Burger King were just another part of the day; I either had breakfast or dinner there on a regular basis. Not because that was what I wanted but because I didn’t have a choice. My mother didn’t come with an instruction manual on how to raise children. We were poor and the prices of fast food were convenient. I was a chubby girl for most of my adolescence.
When I entered middle school it became apparent something wasn’t right. All of my elementary school friends had gone by the wayside and the new friends I were to make were less forgiving of my expanded size. While other girls my age were wearing Gap tanks and mini skirts, I wore stretch pants under oversized t-shirts. Girls avoided me. When it came to inviting me to slumber parties or sitting at their lunch table, they overlooked me.
I avoided those girls too. I even hated them. I envied their small frames, flat abs, and ability to wear whatever they wanted. And I think they knew it.
As for boys…well, what boys? I couldn’t compete.
Baby Weight
The author as a pre-teen.
My mother would say over and over, “It’s just baby weight, it will come off.” Until one day even she recognized it. We went shopping for school clothes and I had to buy a size 18 in women’s shorts at age 13.
When we left the store my mother didn’t say much until we got to the drive-thru at McDonalds. “Honey, you might not want to order what you usually order. How about you get a salad?” I was confused.
I eventually got it out of her that she thought I had gotten too big. I didn’t order anything to eat that night. First thing I did when I went home was weigh myself. I had somehow managed to reach a weight of 184 pounds. I was mortified.
From then on, I became obsessed with weight loss. I wouldn’t eat much of anything, and if I did it wasn’t the most nutritious option — a little macaroni and cheese, or just a sandwich for dinner. I tried to be vegetarian but I knew little about nutrition so my diet consisted mostly of carbs.
I kept up those habits for the next few years. In about seven months, I had lost 30 pounds and my mother began to worry I was starving myself. I was. My hair began to fall out and I was constantly sick. It was hard for me to find a balance. I was glad I had lost weight but I felt miserable and the few friends I did have (who where also somewhat overweight) became jealous and dropped me.
The Breaking Point
High school wasn’t much better. I was obsessed with counting calories, hated any girl who was smaller than me and cried on a regular basis. I did, however, start taking Phys Ed more seriously. I began to enjoy walking, playing basketball, and yoga. Eventually I got gutsy and joined the swim team. It was very hard. I lost another 25 pounds and at my lowest I weighed 134 pounds.
Even though I discovered my affinity for exercise I still wasn’t happy. “Am I fat? Do I look fat?” and “I’m so fat!” were regular sentences in my vocabulary. In addition, getting a boyfriend became a new obsession that I often worried about. Was I not attractive? Was I TOO fat?
It wasn’t until after high school when I decided to shun fast food altogether. No more salads or “just” fries. A combination of finances, information I had accumulated on diet (including viewing “Super Size Me”), and a new desire to cook kept me away. At one point during my young adult life I managed to get a job at a local organic grocery store and in four years I learned more about food and nutrition — and myself — than I ever knew before.
Today, I weigh in at a 140 pounds on a good day. I tend to fluctuate 10 pounds or so up and down. Cleanses and raw food are part of my routine, but I still struggle with balance. I love a good wine and enjoy a good, fatty piece of organic, grass-fed, lamb from time to time. I’ve considered becoming vegan but I’m not there yet; I don’t beat myself up if I eat a cheeseburger.
I’m not the weight I want to be. But I may never be.
Long-term Impacts
Where she is today.
The scars from my past will always be with me. Loose skin on my belly will forever show how it was once expanded. Stretch marks — which I call tiger stripes — still cover my legs, abs, back, breasts, and arms. My ass and thighs will always be ample and thick which, by the way, I’ve discovered many men I’ve dated love and appreciate.
It’s my body. It’s imperfect. It’s beautiful.
It is also strong. I have lines that show beautiful musculature, proof that my squats, kicks, and leg exercises work. My breasts are small but perky; my skin is aging but glows. Things I cannot change I have learned to embrace. Most importantly, my body can do wonderful things. I can now do yoga for 90 minutes in 104 degrees heat; I can run six miles in one period of time; and I can dance for hours and bend my body like a pretzel. I couldn’t have done any of these things 10 years ago.
I avoid the word “fat”. I avoid women’s magazines. I do my best to avoid self-hatred.
I believe in moderation, quality of life, and loving myself as I am now. Even if no one else loves me, I have to be responsible for loving me.
I now am blessed to have many friends, and even though I’m still single, I’ve had many lovers. I can now see beauty for what it is. Women who are thinner than me are beautiful; women who are larger than me are beautiful. I can no longer envy what they have, because they are not me, and I am not them.
My defense mechanisms are still present, as are my insecurities, but no longer do I let them rule my life. If there is one thing I now know and try embrace everyday, no matter what I eat, or how long I workout (or don’t): I am not just what my body looks like. 
We want to hear your story on body image and relationships! Check out February’s Topic: Body Image for more information, and send your submissions to carlo (at) confrontinglove (dot) com or christine (at) confrontinglove (dot) com.
[Feature photo: CarbonNYC]
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About the author
Andie is a native Ashevillian. She is about to complete her MLA at UNCA with a focus on sustainability and creative writing. In her free time she enjoys dancing, going to Bikram, playing theremin, and selling spices.
